My Arsenic Boy

I see you in my mind,
This poison oh so deadly, deadly.
Confusion in your eyes,
What's the use of all this fretting?
One glance casts out a spark,
A flash of possibility.
I catch your gaze amidst the dark,
But I am torn by insecurities.

Poisoned,
By every word you don't say.
Broken,
Every time you turn away.
Poisoned,
By the thought of me on your mind.
Broken,
By the ocean in your eyes.
I am broken by the ocean in your eyes...

I feel you on my skin,
This poison oh so lovely, lovely.
A burning deep within,
Could this all amount to nothing?
One touch ignites a flame to,
Melt the ice behind my eyes.
Please, no one will blame you,
If I keep these tears inside.

Poisoned,
By every word you don't say.
Broken,
Every time you turn away.
Poisoned,
By the thought of me on your mind.
Broken,
By the ocean in your eyes.
I am broken by the ocean in your eyes...

I need you by my side,
This poison so addicting, addicting.
Afraid to cross this line,
Why are these feelings so conflicting?
One kiss burns through these walls,
Please, hold me now, I'm trembling.
Not strong enough to stand it all,
I find myself surrendering.

Poisoned,
By every word you don't say.
Broken,
Every time you turn away.
Poisoned,
By the thought of me on your mind.
Broken,
By the ocean in your eyes.
I am broken by the ocean in your eyes...

I want to taste you,
This is so bittersweet.
Could I embrace you?
Would you cling to me?
I need to breathe you.
Will you take my hand?
Just let me feel you.
Do you understand that you break me?
You break me, you break me!
You break me...

I am broken by the ocean in your eyes...

words won't express

"you can only move as fast as who's in front of you"


acid is slipping out of me
i'm melting out of my skin
sick convulsions of helplessness
i am not myself tonight
liquid fire is burning through my face
brutal noises emerge from hidden corridors
and i am drowning and floating all at once
people point and yell and laugh because emotions run thick
"don't shake"
"i hate to see you tremble"
this is why winter is ironic
and i am such a hypocrite
my body attempts to purge itself of these things
thick, sugary poison...
alluding to things that will never be explained
i'm incapable of making sense
"it's just platonic now"
fuck him
she wants him back there
i need him here
but i know he's forgotten about me by now
"i did mean it"
liar
but i can't blame anyone
because i was the stupid one
young and naive and lost
he tore me to shreds while i was broken
i'm past that now
i was
i thought he was gone
it sure felt like it
i thought i could grow back that part of me that you took with you
but i still feel the hole
empty
empty
maybe i'm just slow
and now there's another him
but i was determined to be smarter
and it might work
but i can't quite tell
i may be losing my mind
but i feel the ground
i want to be amazing
i need to be your everything
but i don't have the right to ask that much of you
it's just never up to me anymore
"don't touch the positive with a negative end"
isn't that how it always is?
i'm so sick of myself
i could just crawl outside of me
different hosts
blinding white is swirling
and it burns
acid is slipping out of me tonight
my past is hidden all around me
in wooden boxes my past will haunt me
but i can't survive another trip back there
i need you to keep me grounded
but i don't have the right to ask that much of you
life is beautiful
clouds cover up the stars
but life is always beautiful
hollow
empty
"i want to be beautiful"
i want to make one ounce of sense
"is it better for her to have love and lost or to never love at all"
you're not the first to say that
echoes
terribly frightened
"i hold you in my hand a little animal and only some dumb idiot would let you go"
what is wrong with me?
i promise someday i'll get a handle on this
"convince me that i've been sick forever and all of this will make sense when i get better"


this isn't me

Hate and remedy.

You've never met me,
But you apparently,
Know me extremely well.
You tell me everything,
About me...
I'm sick.
I'm strange.
Depressed.
Derranged.
And you're so good,
At hating me...
We've never spoken,
But you seem to know,
Everything about me.
You scream at me,
So loud...
I'm gross.
I'm broken.
Insane.
Outspoken.
And you let me know,
That you hate me...
I've never hurt you,
But you're so offended,
With everything I do,
I hate you too!

God help me,
To be patient,
With the demons,
Of this world.
They come to kill,
But you will protect.
Help me to love them.
I'm sorry,
For lashing out,
In anger,
For revenge.
Take my hate,
Mold it into something useful,
To carry out Your will.
Destroy my anger.
Tell these demons,
To forget what I've said.
Fill them with Your words.
Take this evil out of me.
Destroy me,
And fill me with the new.
I want to live for You...

Fall again.

So I think that no one believes me,
When I say that I wish --
I wish you would kill me.
I feel they're laughing at me,
But honestly I'm not --
I'm not thinking this could be.

Because life is so fucked up,
I think that I'll just end it.
Life is so full of shit,
That I think I'll just let go.
That's when I see I'm not holding on...

Falling faster than I can comprehend.
Invisibly it seems 'cause no one's worried.
Smack against the pavement a mangeld mess,
And all they see is the outline of chalk.
Granite marks what could've been.

Roll over to another blood soaked pillow.
Lick the salty emotion into me.
Hoping to bring me back to the world of the living.
Fall again,
Catch me, drop me,
Fall again.

Bitter.

It's all slipping away
I held on too hard
It's slipping right through my fingers
I shot for the stars
And now this bitter aftertaste lingers here...

Everything was right here
A perfect reflection of everything I wanted
Smears of blood were washed away
And now it seems my dreams were haunted
Where I am now longs for yesterday...

You're all slipping away
You had my trust
You're running from me and leaving me here
Nothing to love
Is a catalyst for the bitter tears...

Trophy.

So now I know how you feel
When you say you're disappointed in yourself
It's hurting to breathe
Because every part of me
Is denying that I am indeed alive

You watch as I smile
Not knowing it's all for you
I act for the prize again
My trophy shines and I'm hoping
You'll see that I'm worthy of your love
But you don't even notice when I fall

Screams fall upon deaf ears
And darkness covers sight like fog
Yet again I find
Nothing will ever be real

It's hurting to smile now
Because every part of me
Is denying that I am indeed content
And it's hurting to think
Because futile dreams
Are holding back thoughts of reality

No.

Everything is slipping away from me.
All of my hopes... right through my fingers.
Sometimes,
I think I hold on too hard.
A bitter aftertaste sharply lingers.
It stays here,
And darkness tries to pull me down.
Again.
But I'm not going back there.
All the rejection in the world, Can't take me back there...
Sometimes,
You have to get dragged through the dirt.
To make getting up,
Worth it all.
A blue sky,
Looks so much betterm After years.
Of nothing.

It's falling apart.
Everything.
The darkness tries to pull me down again.
I'm not going back.
I won't fall apart again...

Honestly.

Death rides upon preconceived notions of life.
Death caused by self is nothing more than a horrifying truth.
Truth is, in this day, terrifying because it causes pain.
Like I do.
And like you did to me.

Fall.

So I think I'm slipping back again
It's funny how I have it all together
Only to find out I was wrong again
I thought about it too much I guess
And last night I fell again
Allowed myself to feel again
But the numbness will always be there

Broken promises I made
And then excuses
I piece it back together
Until another rock
Flies at this fragile window of mine
Time stops again

Dreams of a better life
Loving arms will hold like glue
But you can always tell I've shattered
Cracks in the plaster
Always give the fights away

And a scream is heard across the hall
Until you realize it's all in your head
And your demons are staring at you again
Sleep little child and forget your tears
Wake to darkness and scream again

Falling with nothing to break
Consuming motion will cut you to bits
And they all watch
And they all laugh
But in the end
You realize you've gotten up again
And it's time for another trip

Dare.

Cravings clawing
At my brain
Truth or dare
A deadly game
I will not lose
To anyone
I'll do anything
For perfection
I dare you
Beat me, slap me
I won't make a sound
And no emotion
Will escape from me
Taunt me, kick me
No cringe will you see
You'll never win against me
I invented this game
Because you wanted to play
Are you having fun yet?

Another.

Save me, please
It's taking over
Though no pain will find me here at first
It will burn through my skin
And then -- it will dance
It will tear apart my nerves
But I won't scream
Silence echoes through my brain
I am unable to breathe
I only stare
I am in shock
Watching as I disappear
I will dissolve and wash away
Will you remember me?

Save me, please
It's taken over
I can't feel one goddamn thing
You've made me numb
Because you know I long to feel
Anything -- am I dead?
Please just let me die!
I know you don't want me here
Abandon me like so many times before
Leave me with nothing again
How long can I go with only hate
To fill my soul?
Bleed to death in darkness
Can you see me?

Save me, please
You're taking over
But how could know what you're doing to me?
Just be looking at me
Just by lying
Like you do so well
You cannot see me here
You monster
How dare you give me hope!
Just to snatch it away!
Bait for your game -- I am your prey
You are sick -- just as I am
Kiss my poison lips
Can you taste me?

Save me, please
You've taken over
And I hate you for it
How dare you make promises
I love you
With all that I am
It's too bad that you will never know
How I long to be with you
If only you could love me
Can you see me?
Do you care?
Hold me anyway
And feed me with your lies
For I will not survive
One more day alone
Please, please... save me!

I hate you for not loving me! What must I do to change your mind???

Veins.

Do you know what it's like to bleed away your problems?
If my veins burst open,
Brining forth my soul to you,
Would you cry for me?
Then might you care?
My blood is on your hands...
And it would be such a lovely suicide...

Where have we gone?

He sits alone
His best friend in hand
He lights it up
He'll take a trip and then
Where will he be?
Right back at the bottom
Where will he be?
Right back at the bottom

She lays in bed
Right next to him
They'll get it on
She'll let him use her and then
Where will she be?
Right back at the bottom
Where will she be?
Right back at the bottom

You feel alone
As you scream and cry
You tell yourself
They won't care if you die
And this will lead
Right back to the bottom
Trip, starve and bleed
Right back to the bottom

How can you say that you don't see it?
Oh, how did we get here?
How did we get here?
Where's our generation?
How did we get here?
How'd we get here?
Where's our generation?

Lonely hideaway.

Chains of deciet you slap on everyday
Keep your head down, say everything's okay
Down the halls again, this heavy walk of shame
You're acting like you can just fake it all away
In your corner all alone
You blend into the walls
One color's all you need
So they don't see you fall
No one will see these tears you cry at night
Bleed your self to sleep hoping this'll turn out right
Yeah, you would scream but you can't take another fight
And as you try to hide, you know, you're still in plain sight
Some people they will never understand
Have they ever flown so high only to crash-land?
They don't live your life, the can't see where you stand
You're keeping to yourself just because you can
Hide away but you'll be found
And when your world is crashing down
Know there is hope in Him
Yes, there is hope in Him...