Sometimes it feels like
I only have bad things to remember.
Aren't memories supposed to make you smile
at least some of the time?

I can remember loving you
I think...
I remember loving you
but I don't remember what loving you feels like.

I sift through a decade trying to recall even a single moment
where I felt loved
unconditionally safe
where I was sure.
But I can only feel empty
the emptiness only something that was once full can feel.

When I think of you I can only feel
sick and desperate and lost
and afraid.
But I think you filled my heart once
I think when we used to sit on the blacktop and look at the stars
I think when the feeling of your hands on me was new
I think maybe I smiled once...

But it was all laced with fear.

Every last moment.