Depression: An Endless Sea

It’s hard to remember how awful it is until I’m here again.

Living with depression is treading water.

Sometimes you are floating easily in calm seas, and sometimes you are fighting to keep your head above the waves. Rarely are you making any forward progress, but what does that even mean? Is there a shore to this ocean?

I have forgotten.

I think I can remember being on land, but it feels hazy, like a dream. Maybe it wasn’t real. Maybe it is only the ocean — forever.

It feels different as I age, but is always cold and numbing and familiar. Just now I think about it more. I think I should be better at this.

It used to feel a part of me, but now it feels consuming. An outside force that siphons my will to live, beating me into submission until I crawl back into bed.

I shouldn’t be in bed. I should be working. I should be cooking. I should be showering. I should be living. What does it mean if I’m always breathing, but never alive?

Depression is a sea of lies. Nothing feels true. Nothing feels good. Overwhelming, crushing, but always grey and cold and lackluster — an endless sea of lies.

I am a bad adult. My life is wonderful and I can’t even be a functioning part of society. What is wrong with me? People have real problems. Get up. Go do something. Get dressed. Go outside. Buy groceries. Eat some real food. Make a doctor’s appointment. Get back on meds. You would feel better. This is your own fault. Get up. Get up!

It doesn’t matter. It always comes back around to this. You are never going to feel better. This is what life is. Is this enough for you? Is this existence worth it? You will never accomplish anything. You will be treading water, staying alive and nothing more. Give up. Everything would be better if you just let go. Let the ocean take you away. Give up. Just give up…

Just wait. Be kind to yourself. It’s okay. You have a good life. Things will work out. It won’t always be like this, or at least if it is, you can think about it later. Not now. Deep breaths. Intoxicate. Worry later. Sleep now. Just sleep. You can’t feel like this when you’re asleep. You might feel better when you wake up. Just wait until you wake up.

An endless sea of lies.

Treading water for as long as I can because there is no other choice. Wishing I could stop, but knowing I won’t.

“It’s going to be okay. This isn’t forever.”

Of course it will be okay. I’m always okay. I always wake up.