We've barely even started this ride.
When you hold me you still feel far away.

I can't find that familiarity I'm grasping for.
I don't know where it went and I feel like I've imagined it.

I wish you understood what I was fighting through in order to stay.

I know I'm going to have to be able to survive without you, and if I lean on you too hard now I'll lose myself. Or you'll drop me.

I'll fall again and I can't go back there.
I won't survive down there again.

I want to scream for you to please grab me and not let me go.
I don't want someone else to be what's keeping me up here because I know there are so many ways for that to go wrong, and I just need to be stronger.

I can be stronger.
I've been more depressed and asked for more from shitty people and been dropped and broken and I came out the other side.

I'm still here.
You didn't sign up for this.
I'm not the person you met.
I wish you'd left.

I've forgotten what you feel like.
I've forgotten my entire life.
I'm a swarm of fear feeling her way around in the dark.
I wish I could stop breathing.

Not leaving you also involves staying alive.
I'm sorry I didn't see this coming.

I didn't think there would be panic. This isn't the bottom yet, and I want you to be gone before I get there.

I'm sorry I'm failing at holding it together.
Please don't give up on me.