Sunday, March 17, 2024

Me- uninterrupted.

The first thing 
I see 
really deep longing 
connection and 
depth
is specifically desiring
speaks
to
wanting
on the surface, you
go down
the depths. 

feeling this longing, and
a loneliness
an isolation
wanting
wanting
reason 
it's not 
stuck in a 
period of time
this
hurt you.
"alone-ness". 
in the long term
alone... for a little bit...
to reconnect
yourself. 

The longing
of understanding and of 
giving
to yourself. And
time
that longing, it's 
anchoring 
seeing all 
radically 
stepping in
self-expression
It's like you disappear
this self
and then 
the new self.

focus
this
is
how
you
think when
alone
this tendency to
care
because nobody's looking.
step in
you feel like 
painting 
your hair
delicious
that's 
a hot girl
silly. 
individually silly, but
joyful
like delighting in the experience of 
what I feel

this sense of finding
could be
quality, 
quite literally 
encourage 
this period. 
write songs, or anything like that
you're singing
you're putting on little concerts
you're singing
sing, sing, sing...
clearing
a breakthrough
space for you.
your voice, and
amplifying

The longing
... Sometimes
we're seeking
what we're actually seeking
looking for "god"
through you
find it inside of you
find it 
that energy
if you leave
access it
reflected in
part of this. 
that longing, 
emptiness, 
an urge 
connection 
divine.
expression.

coming through
I would
know if 
going back, or
look into the
deeper connection
tapping into
and inviting
connect
through music.

powerful
manifestation.
deep
imprint 
into any 
form
to a song
a splash.
send
out this call.
truthful
if sometimes
you're wanting
experience
you'll find
You can use them
tools. 

stepping into yourself
to shift
this season
you

next
the body
you reclaim
reclaim your identity
pleasure, and depth 
that way. 
feeling maybe 
new
going to come
for you, 
to be... 
in that space. 
I think 
it's important that you're 
protected,
not
people in that way. 
the purity
It's
you- uninterrupted 
it's
what happens when I

challenge
letting yourself
be seen
intimately
just to pause
there.
open
voice and
sense of self, and 
open up
deeper
there
comes to sens
what's gonna make you
strong
digging in
deeper
more intimate

you are singing
you are healing
I think
people
connect
you're getting braver
if you feel
... do it
powerful
it comes
You will be able to
release
yourself
Don't hesitate
offer that gift

I hope that helps.

Saturday, June 17, 2023

I'm so glad I escaped you
like a rat in the sewer lines

The lines of our hearts
are broken once more

And your face it lingers
in mine right there
always right there

Lingering
your deep eyes used to hold so much

Depth that was never there
a mirage of wisdom

You were never very good at any of it

Your face is a rat
your fingers curl around empty space
I'm not there anymore, you idiot

I chased the tangled string into knots
you thought you were the puppet master
but you could never catch me

I am uncatchable
you are not a catch at all
I fantasize about
that question in your eyes

When you realize I was never playing your fucking game
coward
I could have made you

I was one step ahead at all times
you tried to build a cage that I wouldn't notice but I knew you from the beginning.

I came back willingly
and I left the same

Saturday, March 13, 2021

If you asked for me
I know I would come back
But more importantly
I know you'll never ask

And that goddamn ring
It never meant a thing
But if you asked me
I'd gladly make believe

...I'm just a little bit lonely these days.

Wednesday, October 21, 2020

I am miserable all of the time. I feel guilty for saying that. I question if it is true. It must not be true. I have certainly had moments, or hours, or even days, where I was not miserable. But, currently, I feel like I am miserable all of the time. My brain is never at peace. I forget what “content” feels like. I am constantly thinking of everything that is wrong. This includes everything from the state of the world to the rough calluses on my heels. I struggle to think of one comforting thought. I search for it like a breath. If I could just think of one nice thought, my brain would be flooded with oxygen, and all of this misery would fade away. I try to picture my friends’ smiles. I try to picture beautiful views I’ve had the privilege of seeing. I try to remember times of laughter. I try to remind myself that I am safe, and I try to conjure a memory of truly feeling safe.

Everything distorts in my brain space. A friend’s smiling face inspires the sadness of missing, and an anxiety that I can never know if anyone truly loves me. Beautiful views are either caught up in bittersweetness and old faces, or inspire only an intense nostalgia and longing. Sometimes I can remember laughing, but the circumstances are always fuzzy, and I know I will never find those circumstances again. I am full of bitterness and disappointment and despair. My emotions are a taint on everything that could be bright or sweet. Tears wait anxiously at the edges of my vision at all times. I feel no hope. I can come up with nothing to look forward to, nothing to be excited for, only anxiety. 

I have been inside for eight months. I hate everyone who goes outside. I hate everyone who gets to hug a loved one. I hate everyone for having loved ones that they know, for sure, love them. What does it feel like? What does it feel like to know? I can still feel the wound from the last time I thought I knew. Sometimes it feels more like a scar, but right now it is a gaping, rotting wound. When I let myself observe it, I am overwhelmed with feelings of humiliation, rage, and despair. I am ashamed that it still hurts. I can see that in the grand scheme of the entire universe, my biggest wound means nothing. I can see others surviving much worse. I can see others overcoming and thriving, making the best of what they were given. I am afraid this is the best I can do. 

Monday, August 31, 2020

You left a gaping wound in me.
I'm still measuring the whole
Of all that we were meant to be.

I knew, I knew, I always knew...
I tried to leave, but I chose not to.