We've barely even started this ride.
When you hold me you still feel far away.

I can't find that familiarity I'm grasping for.
I don't know where it went and I feel like I've imagined it.

I wish you understood what I was fighting through in order to stay.

I know I'm going to have to be able to survive without you, and if I lean on you too hard now I'll lose myself. Or you'll drop me.

I'll fall again and I can't go back there.
I won't survive down there again.

I want to scream for you to please grab me and not let me go.
I don't want someone else to be what's keeping me up here because I know there are so many ways for that to go wrong, and I just need to be stronger.

I can be stronger.
I've been more depressed and asked for more from shitty people and been dropped and broken and I came out the other side.

I'm still here.
You didn't sign up for this.
I'm not the person you met.
I wish you'd left.

I've forgotten what you feel like.
I've forgotten my entire life.
I'm a swarm of fear feeling her way around in the dark.
I wish I could stop breathing.

Not leaving you also involves staying alive.
I'm sorry I didn't see this coming.

I didn't think there would be panic. This isn't the bottom yet, and I want you to be gone before I get there.

I'm sorry I'm failing at holding it together.
Please don't give up on me.

You are not mine.
I borrow you.
And then I return you.
To where you belong.

My heart is falling from my throat
Through my body
Through the floor
And you're not catching it

I Could Write A Poem Where You Learn To Be Less Disappointed, But That Wouldn't Be Pessimistic Enough

Someday your disappointment will be greater than your love.
Someday my flaws won't be cute anymore,
And you'll wonder why you ever thought they were.

Someday could always be today.
Or tomorrow.

I saw how this would end,
And I decided to love you anyway.
Because even though I'll never be enough for you,
I'll still be better.
Even after you're gone.

Blind

Your pupils stretch back into black holes that trap your thoughts in crushing darkness.

When you apologize for parts of yourself
The right person will not tell you it is okay
The right person will take your sorrys from your mouth and feed them back to you
The right person will not understand why you are apologizing
The right person will shine a warm light into the corners where you hid all of your fears
And they will say "There you are. Get off the floor and come to bed, my love."

She's a saint, and we're all just swimming in her ocean.
Any way she carries me it's towards the sun.

Everything you say is at once a surprise and the obvious answer.
You are somehow the beginning and the end of my story.

This will be our first winter together.
Every day with you is the first day of spring.

It's back
You're here but it's back
It will chase you away
And I will hate you for it
And I will hate myself for hating you
And I will hate myself for losing you
And I will hate myself
And it will swallow me whole

I can feel the hot drool running down its teeth
Dripping onto the back of my neck
Holding me down
Hungering for what is left of me
Wanting to take everything that I have
And I know it's only a matter of time