Saturday, December 22, 2007

A diamond lasts forever.

It’s about that time of week again,
When I run into a memory of you.
It’s about that time of year again,
When we find ourselves ignoring across rooms.
And we wonder when this will end.
How much time do we need?
We cover up the wounds and pretend.
Will we be okay tomorrow?
It’s been one long night down here.
Pictures pull at stitches not yet healed.
It’s been six long months down here.
Waves of hatred not meant to be revealed.
I hate you.
I hate you haunting me.
I hate you.
I hate these memories.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Goodbye's are best kept short.

It's amazing how unsure you can be after all the time you've had to think. I do know the whiskey's not what had me trembling. How do we escape each other's grip? It's time to realize that we'll just never get the timing right. So close, but it just doesn't fit. It's hard to leave what sparks so brightly, but we just never had the flame. Move on to eyes that see your soul. Chemicals can cause explosions, but connections as deep as this will burn forever. If my world is always winter, you will keep me always warm. If my words just keep on coming, these poems can be made beautiful again. If your love just keeps on coming, our senses can be made whole. A lesson learned, in life there are choices to be made, and you can't have the best of both worlds. The best of both will never measure up to the best of one. And this I choose, our trust can be made stronger. My love, we'll heal each other.

Monday, November 26, 2007

The world minus one.

Victimize straight to my face and erase the mistakes
That you'll never admit to making.
Antagonize behind the scenes, kept your conscience clean,
But your stomach and heart are still aching.
Reach me through all these years just to slap me in the face,
And I want nothing more than to put you in your place,
But I know we're just the same.
So who's to blame?
Point your finger, win the games,
But in the end who's to say what integrity remains?
When will you open your eyes and realize that this just isn't about you anymore?
I share your pain when you hear my name, but you can't touch the world minus one.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Two plus two is five, baby.

I loved you first. I loved you first. The loyalty in my veins flows with your name written on my beating heart. My love, I cannot help but compromise everything for you. Choking sobs of familiar mistakes leave me to be comforted by another, but even with the feelings there, you know I loved you first. Unnoticed in my battle, do I fight still? If I see your back again, do I scream? Or do I finally turn my own way to be tortured by "what if?" for eternity elsewhere? Please don't leave, my love, please don't leave me here. Let's find the sun and give this a real chance. Let's wander to daylight and hold each other's hands while we saunter through this world, so beautiful when we're together. Oh, love, we've never been together. Is this why the birds stopped singing?

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Next up: Heartbreak! (The cycle continues).

I have to hide my face because they know me here. I was in the same place this time last year. I'm just trying to get through as fast as I can and hoping this won't start all over again... again. Where have I been, where am I going that it all feels the same? How can you say you're not playing the game when she was your best match? Am I too much for you? I have to leave you now because I know I'll be back for more. I'll be in the same place tomorrow night for sure. I just have to get through as fast as I can and hope this won't start all over again... again.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Oh, summer.

It's warm outside, but compared to you, I've got chills. Hold me tight, because I know we've missed each other. Confess unsure love under constant nighttime skies. Hold my hand and don't let go, to say the least. Cigarettes and coincidence skim the pavement in the moonlight. Lie here with me until we find air better suited for our lungs. The world is spinning, and I'm hard pressed to keep up, so let's fall. If we have all we need, why complicate the situation? Take me home, my love, and take me any way you want to.

Monday, July 16, 2007

The last time.

Four years, and I always saw this in your eyes,
But you did rationalize so well.
Feign sincere, but you always spoke to soothe my doubt,
And you really didn't think this out so well.
Now we're here, I've finally found your fatal flaw,
And you knew this was the last time.
Sorry, dear, but you know I've waited too long,
And it's not my fault that you never tried.
For weeks you didn't say one word,
And good for me, you couldn't fool me a third time.
Nothing speaks quite as loud as actions can,
So tell me, what was your plan, baby?
Bittersweet, the day I knew this wouldn't work,
What you'd known for so long.
You can't compete, despite the feelings that won't go away,
It's not your fault we're just wrong.
This is the last song you'll get out of me.
These are the last words you'll hear me speak.
So when you find you're alone and unable to sleep,
Close your eyes and regret all the things you never did.
Think of me, baby, and all the words you should have said.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

"She had no heart so hardened."

Maybe it's just one of those nights, you know?
Like it always is.
It's always a maybe.
Nothing's ever set in stone anymore.
Because you're so scared of what I could turn out to be.
Give me a kiss, I'll give you a lift to the other side of town.
We'll have a grand view of lover's avenue.
Then make love on the roof.
Because this is how life is supposed to be.
Why are we so stuck in this cage?
Rats, but cute nonetheless, Miss Beth.
And the purple so brings out your eyes.
But what's this I see?
An aqueous solution forming on your cheeks?
Will Arrhenius find that you're a donator?
Corrode, corrode, my metal skin.
You know you've always wanted to see the inside.
I'm not sure how much longer I can pretend like this.
Sometimes it's fine, but mostly, it isn't.
God, I just want you here.
Everything's moving except for me.
I'm so unwilling to leave you behind.
Only, that's the past.
And you're mostly here now, but you're so unwilling to leave yourself behind.
I can't sell you my soul for eighty percent.
Oh, the trust is lacking.
Perception is twisted on my end, you know.
Where is the rush?
I want to feel the wind in my hair again, the sun in my eyes.
I want to go blind if it means I'm once again satisfied.
Where has summer gone?

Saturday, May 26, 2007

Ama me fideliter, fidem mean noto.

God, the silence kills me. The trudging through normality, through life of everyday, when all that I want is simple and one thing, and yet, not here. You must return, my love, for, you see, you've taken something that must be returned upon your going elsewhere. I thought I had something of yours, but looking now, it seems you've taken it back without my knowing. So, my dear, if you would be so kind as to give back what belongs to me, I would be much obliged. I know that no promises were made to be kept, of that I'm sure you made sure, but I know that you're a better man than this.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Error.

Silence. Shock. Didn't I just think my way out of this one? Wasn't everything okay last night? Not anymore. And what do you mean -- what does this mean -- what do you mean? Stay strong. It's gonna be okay. In the end it's all gonna be alright. But I'm here now. I'm here with the cravings... The wine. The wine and the pills. The blades. But I know I can't go back there now. So, you see, square one isn't much of an option. These tears, this heat -- where is this coming from? Everything was supposed to be okay. The trust was there, fragile, and broken now, again. Where are your eyes? Where are your hands? Where is this place your attempting to leave me at? I feel chained. I want nothing more than to run and embrace, and the worst part is I feel it might make a difference. God, another chance. Does life really offer no second chances? Why won't this erase? Goddamnit, why won't this go away? What are these stains, and what the hell am I wearing? God, do you remember those days, those nights? Do you remember the rush, the fall? The wind, the wind, and nothing. What is it that's broken? Why does everything I touch rust and rot away? Where are you going? Oh, wouldn't this be better if we were together and holding each other through the pain? Who is this other, and where is the hole that you're filling? What the hell are you doing? Come back, come back, and dance with me. I promise it will all be okay. Let me kiss you again, baby, I promise we can make it okay.

Sunday, May 13, 2007

And mistakes, mistakes, mistakes.

Nothing in the world, it seems, will bring back the life in me. It's all okay in the dark because I can't see in the dark. I can't feel in the dark. But the morning brings light to these wounds -- weren't they gone last night? What have I been doing in my sleep? Oh, do I haunt your dreams like you do mine? Oh, do you wake up empty from last night with her? Why isn't he enough to numb the pain when he was enough to take you away from me? Is she worth it -- is she worth this to you? Don't tell me you don't miss my smile, and when's the last time you saw me smile? Could I ever hurt enough to show you that I care? Dear god, this pain is deep, and you're not here to hold me, to make it go away. Where has my best friend gone? I see him, but his eyes have changed. He said I wasn't the same, but he's changed, he's changed. And he's safe with his shield and a pair of swords to keep me away, but I can't walk away from this. You're still holding my heart in your pocket. You took yours back and gave it to her, she's got it on her finger, and you're wearing hers around your neck, but mine is still there -- forgotten inside you. Oh, my love, to lose you was the only way to prove I needed you, but now you're gone, and I need you still, and your absence is killing me, oh, god, you're killing me. I loved you enough to let you go, but where is your love when I'm dead? Sweetie, you know you're the only one who will bring me back to life, so why do you let this go on? I did you so many wrongs, and our love wasn't enough to give me the chance to make it up. Oh, my love, I'm dying at your door, and you just can't care anymore, can you?

Sunday, May 6, 2007

Not by me, but to me...

"In the middle of the night I love you. When darkness surrounds me I think of you. When tears well up and burn my eyes as acid, I can smell your hair, and the pain is gone. I love you. I always will. Saying I would die for you doesn't mean much, I don't value that as highly. I can't keep it anyway. I can't be angry with you, just hurt.
I'm not saying what you did was okay. You betrayed me. I love you. I know you think about this. Good. Only a monster wouldn't. You need to give me a hug after you read this. I love you. Please don't do this to me again. I need sleep sometimes. Thank you for telling me. It shows you love me."

"No."
"No what?"
"I won't use them. I can't."
- Taraneth & Accalia

Monday, April 23, 2007

The whore got what was coming to her: A not so indepth look at confusion and broken hearts.

One thing that keeps circling. I can't take off his sweatshirt. And why did I wear this today? This isn't at all how I pictured today. I wanted so badly to make things right. And why did I screw up like this? I've never felt quite this alone. Isolated. I should be able to run to you, but I know that I shouldn't -- that I can't -- because it's all my fault. The emptiness in his eyes. Because I cut out the feelings. Why didn't I stop it before it got this far? Dark corners and tears and I could hear his voice. How traumatizing that he walked right by the anguish -- radiating. How could something so safe hurt so bad? And why, god, why did he not stop to ask if i was alright? I've been craving his hold ever since he let go, and things were so distant. But I know it's all my fault because I just can't get the other out of my head, which shouldn't be so bad -- if I trusted you. It wouldn't be so bad, but all I can think to do is get on my knees and beg you not to leave -- like I've always been so afraid you would. And like he just did. Just promise, just promise, just promise, just promise, just promise, but what are those words, and, god, what is that stench? Motivation seems so impossible. How am I supposed to walk through halls and hear the laughter and be okay? How am I supposed to feel? Was it supposed to hurt like this? My eyes are so dry, so red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red marks. Is this what I resort to again, when I push all protection away? What is commitment? And why should I even ask at this age? This isn't supposed to happen now. I planned for this so much later, and I can't handle it right now. How is this my fault -- that you are too old for our age, and that I'm scared to death of losing you because I've never really had you till now? The waiting, waiting, waiting for what exactly? I'm never sure, but now it doesn't seem to matter so much. I was too afraid to jump into you, and now that his eyes don't keep me on the edge there's really nothing to do but fall and crash, crash, crash, crash, crash, crash, crash, burns, and cuts, and bruises, and the blood of so many nights ago. I can't believe I wrote him that note. And I begged, how pathetic. Begging. And he read, and he saw, and he knew, and he didn't care. He doesn't care. He stopped caring. And what the hell is love anyway? When he told me he loved me, what the fuck did it mean? And when I thought maybe I meant it, I guess I was wrong, wrong again, again for the thousandth time. What am I supposed to do? Snickers. I know they're there. And I know they think I deserve this all. How dare I hurt such a nice boy! They're all on his side, and I'm left in the halls at my locker. Oh, high school be gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone, gone. Is this for real? Was it ever real? Is any of it real? Are you real? Are you worth this? Please, please please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Nothing makes sense. Please, please make it go away.

Monday, April 16, 2007

"You are my sweetest downfall."

Something so familiar can never look the same again. And the bed is only colder since you came and then you left. This burnt out candle on my shelf still carries your scent through the room. The smoke keeps pulling me back to the light, those sweet few nights when I was yours. And in the dark your touch is haunting me. Though it may be cold without you here, that's not what keeps me trembling. I cannot wait for your hands to still my shaking sense of pride. I cannot wait to look in your eyes and feel again that the world is mine. Oh, the blossoms smell so sweet in spring. On the edge of threatening heat, let us stay carefree until new winds force us all to hide. Just whisper that in the dead of winter when all the fruit is gone, you will miss the taste of me.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

"Can you taste the fear in her sweat?"

It wasn't that you left, it was that you wouldn't stay. The red light through the window reflected fears and hopes and wants and needs and a pathetic little girl who just can't fall asleep. But is it really her fault that her ego is too sensitive? Is it completely her fault that her pride so thickly covers her eyes and ears that the world gets distorted? After the red fades away, she will spot her star where she wishes for a night of safety. The coolness of your absence sends chills down her spine as she sings herself to sleep. She wrote a song for you, but you'll never hear it. Sound just doesn't carry that far.

Friday, April 6, 2007

Fluctuations.

It's still cold here, and with all the shivers, I still can't shake this feeling that it's not all as real as I'd imagined. When I feel the warmth on my cheek of a melted dream, there's no one here to tell me what color it is. Crystallized fear in the dark bathroom mirror has proved to be living inside you. Black and white is the game, but I'm living in greys, and they all point and accuse me of cheating. They just don't know what it's like to feel years of hope vaporized in a moment as small as the words that ruined it all for the both of us. This rhythm, it's just not mine. Oh, how hard must I hold on before I feel safe? How far will you run before I turn away and smile at my lonely reflection? I can touch you now, but you're still so cold. This isn't at all what you promised. When I pull away I can see the burns, but where is the heat? This chill must be somewhere deeper, so let's burn all the skin away until you see what it is that makes me this way. The purpose of your presence was lost last night. Your resistance to the past seems improperly proportioned to your love of the future, but where is the moment? You flicker, flicker, and I'm fading. These bugs on the shower curtain have more color than my eyes. Is that why real looks are so rare? I'm caught staggering through these catacombs of somewhere that I'm sure I was never meant to be. This place where I will never feel like enough. My frozen bones ache with every step that I take, but no one's here to carry this torch. You'd think that fire would be warmer than this.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Late night calls to answering machines.

Hello, you've failed to reach me once again.
Just press one to pour your heart out to nothingness.
I might get back to you in a year or so.
For now, can we just take this slow?

Hold please, there's someone on my other line.
Hang up to say I'm just not worth the time.
In the end, you'll find no number's toll free.
I hope you know you were important to me.

Goodbye, I'm on the run, you've crushed routine.
You can star sixty-nine, but I'm not receiving.
I've dropped this call, or so you could say.
For now, you're going to have to make it all okay.

We're so afraid of this new feeling rushing through our veins.
Hey, let's not get attached just to be broken.
Don't look, don't look at me that way.
Three words better left unspoken for now.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Are we there yet?

Right. Is the only word. That is running through my mind. It just feels. Right. How can I state the obvious discretely? God, the warmth of you. The touch of your skin. I feel safe. And this feels Right. And warm. And safe. Why couldn't that be every night? Why shouldn't I sleep in safety? Since when do I trust you this much? Is this alright? Would you agree that it hurts to leave? Envelop me, sweetie, and I promise to be here.

Monday, March 26, 2007

pulmonary vascular breakdown: who am i talking to?

please make this worth it.
please.
please.
please.

i'm scared.
it's spring, it's warm, i feel incredible, i feel free.
i'm lonely.
i'm scared.

he walked away.
i drove away.
and it's broken.
and i can't fix it right now.
i don't have time to fix it.

why do i only ever call him in tears?
and why do i never tell him something's wrong?
because everything's always okay by the time i hang up.

will there ever be a time when i'm not missing him?
why do i even have to think about this now?
why can't carefree weather mean a carefree life until it's cold again?
where did last summer go?

grip the wheel.
i can feel my heartbeat in my hands.
everything's rushing.
where is the wind going?

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

The confession... (of a whore)

The confession slipped.
“I suppose I should tell you…”
His eyes clouded over. The sadness was overwhelming for me to look at.
I could only imagine how it felt for him.
I expected anger, sulking, something.
Instead, he looked at me with those immensely sad eyes and spoke in a very low, soft, voice.
“Please stop.”
His soft sorrow crushed me. All I could do was shake my head.
He knew I wouldn’t stop.
I knew I couldn’t stop.
I knew that I loved Jeremiah, but I knew that
I loved Michael more.
Jer knew it too, I think, but he wouldn’t accept it.
I squeezed his hand. “There’s more. There are things I haven’t told you. Things I can’t tell you.”
I couldn’t take anymore blows from those eyes.
After begging me to tell him, to trust him,
he started to guess.
He guessed in circles at first. “Drugs? Alcohol? Murder?”
When I finally had to nod my head yes, I couldn’t look at him, but he forced me to anyway.
He threw his arms around me.
I didn’t respond.
“Hold me,” he said. I did.
But again, I had to say, “There’s more…”
I told him. His eyes scared me.
Things were quiet for a while.
He withdrew.
Words came in waves.
“I can’t do more for you than he can, but I can stay loyal to you.”
Everything he said stabbed me.
He had been loyal. More loyal than anyone.
“I don’t want anyone else. I don’t want someone to fill a hole. I want you.”
I wanted to be as loyal to him as he had been to me.
But my heart yearned for another.
“Please don’t see him again.”
My brain screamed that
I loved Michael.
Nothing on God’s green earth could keep me from seeing him,
except, maybe, Michael himself.
“I can’t,” was my only response.
“Why?” he finally yelled.
Because I love him! I have fallen head over heels in love with him! I love him more than I love you!
“Because I can’t.”
Silence.
“Talk to me.” I saw words behind his eyes.
He shook his head. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I deserve it.”
His eyes. “You betrayed me.”
I could only nod in agreement.
His eyes, his eyes. “You promised.”
I nodded.
“I drove you to meet him! You told me over and over not to worry! You told me
nothing would happen!”
I nodded.
Silence.
“I love you,” his voice lowered.
“What does that mean?”
“I’d give my life for you. Not my death. I want to live every moment for you. I want to give everything for you. Not because I have to or I should or I feel obligated.
I want to.”
I lost track of some of his words. But the whole time he spoke, I thought to myself: That’s how I feel
about Michael.
I decided then that I didn’t love Jeremiah at all like he loved me. He was my best friend, but
I did not love him.
I’d nearly slept with him, but
I did not love him.
I’d told him many times that I did
with all my heart,
but I did not love him.
And then he asked something horrible.

“Do you love me?”

I winced. I paused. I couldn’t tell him no. Because to say that wouldn’t be
true
either. “That depends on what you mean,” I ventured.
My hesitance had already left its mark, but he spoke.
“Do you want to be with me every moment of your
life?
Would you give up everything for me? Would you give up college? Would you give up your friends? Would you give up your hands, for me, Kaitlyn?”
Silence.
No, I would not give everything for him. I wished that I would. But I knew that I could not.
I had shared the most intimate moments of my life with him. I loved him. But,
“Not like that.”
I thought for sure his eyes would drown me.
“I’m sorry.”
No response.
“I wish I could, Jer… I wish I could give up everything. I wish I could give up him for you, but I can’t! I just can’t! I can’t!” I couldn’t tell if it was crushed, or angry, or frightened, but whatever it was, the words sparked something harsh.
“Why?” he again yelled back.
“Because I…”
It had taken me so long to admit to myself that I was in love with Michael. The first thoughts of
love
had flittered through my head some eight months ago, maybe earlier, but I had
smothered
them as soon I sensed them.
Love terrified me.
In my mind, love invariably led to being alone. More horribly alone than you’ve ever been.
But somewhere between the dreamy last nights of summer and the harsh last nights of winter,
I had let myself
slowly
believe that Michael was worth the pain.
He’d been worth over three years of torture for nothing.
Surely, now he was worth
so much more.
“Because I l-…”
But I couldn’t tell Jeremiah. Not like this. I had admitted before that I thought I might. But to
rub in his face that I
loved the one person he hated the most.
“Because I can’t.”
Silence.
When he looked up, his eyes were no longer crushing.
They were the most horrible things I’d ever seen.
Searing.
More powerful than fire.
“I hate him.”
“I know.”
“I want to kill him.”
“I know. But I could never speak to you again if you did.”
I could see him breaking. I could see tectonic plates colliding.
He fell.
I held him.
I kissed him.
I held him.
He cried.
He wouldn’t look at me.
I kissed him.
He would not kiss me in return. And this
hurt.
It burned, it crushed, it pierced something deep.
Some trust had been broken.
I pushed him away angrily.
I drove him home.
Halfway to his house a bullet split my skull. My world fell apart. I felt barely conscious.
As he was about to leave
it was my turn
to breakdown.
He held me and I sobbed.
Gut wrenching.
I nearly screamed.
When I collected myself, his eyes were softer.
I needed him to kiss me. I needed to know that he was still there.
I needed my only safe place to not be invaded by my mistakes.
“Please…” I begged.
“What?”
Silence.
“What do you want?”
“I need you to kiss me.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know… anything right now. But I need you to kiss me.”
He searched my eyes. I wondered if he could read my thoughts through them like I could through his.
Did I always give myself away?
Finally,
“I want you to remember this.
I want you to remember this when you think there’s nothing left to live for.
When you think there’s no honor in the world.
I want you to remember.”
He gently pulled my face towards his.
His lips, his tongue, sweetly caressed my world back to order.
And then he
walked away.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Why am I still here? Why are you still there?

Excuses, excuses.
I just want to take you and run.
I would want you there, but mostly I want you not to leave.
Where is the spark?
Where are the flames?
Where is that feeling of invincibility?
You snap be back so well.
But for the moment, I just don't want to be real.
Must you be so harsh?
I'm stuck in a fairytale.

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Diprotic acids make you think you're wrong, when, in fact, you're quite correct.

There are no conclusions to be made from the information that you gave. In the end, I should've stayed where I was in the beginning. I hear your pleas for me to leave, but I find my feet cemented down. Paralyzed by the pain in your eyes, I try my best not to stare. But I cannot erase what has already taken place, and frankly, I don't quite care. Because what we have is better than all the pain I've endured. Please tell me you never want it to end.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Oh so pure.

Whenever I'm with you I can hear his words.
Please, whisper in my ear the promises he's made.
I need to love you like I love him.
Could you ever need me the way he does?
Oh, the obvious is never enough for me, baby.
Whenever I'm with you I can see his eyes.
Please, cry for me the tear I've shed in his bed.
I have to need you like I need him.
Could you ever love me the way he does?
Oh, the obvious is never enough for me, baby.
You're not everything he is.
And you never could be.
But I'm still running on adrenaline.
Oh, the spark in your touch.
You're not him, but you're more than enough.
Whenever I'm with you I can feel his breath.
Please, kiss me the way I kiss him every night.
I need to love you like I love him.
Could you ever want me the way he does?
Oh, the obvious is never enough for me, baby.
Do I keep you up at night, baby?
Do my kisses keep you wanting more?
Do you ache to have me in your bed?
Do you even care where his hands have been?

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Oh, the necrophobia.

Tired.
So fucking tired of this thing they call life.
Oh, when can I live?
When will I be free from this?
Oh, and when will I swim in the sky?
Please, my dear, envelop me.
I long for your scars, so deep.
Here, take my heart, destroy it for me.
Set it on fire.
Burn, please, I need sensation!
Oh god, when will this end?
The day I feel safe in your arms, your eyes, oh, my dreams.
Yet I'm never asleep.
Just fucking tired.

Monday, January 22, 2007

If you tolerate the poison I'll just stab you through the heart.

Amuse me, my love.
Inspire something wonderful.
Be free, my love.
Don't let my words burn your soul.
Don't let my teeth sink deeper than you can handle.

Do you even care where his hands have been?

Sit still, my love.
This struggle will lead to nothing.
If only you would let the wind brush against your cheek.
If only you would let this be.

Do you even know what you're killing in me?

You are to me what I am to him.
So who is it that you hate the most?
Everything would be so perfect if one of you would die.

Where is she?
The girl I must be to get me through this time where I must not be myself.
I ruin everything.

Would you stop?
Just take a moment to really think about this.
I need to see your tears.
Would you move already?
I hate this doubt you're forcing upon me.

The problem is the two of you.
Why won't you die?
Why don't you leave?
Too close, too far.
Unending.

There's nothing I can do.

This is all i could ever ask of you.
Don't believe my discontent.
Just let things fall.

So afraid of heights.
Catch me.
Falling.

Back to the darkness.

While we wait to see the ending, couldn't you hold me?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Ch-ch-ch-change me, baby: An adventure in indifference and horirble defeats.

Something's wrong. Something's so very wrong in here. It's all off. All off. The way I felt in the beginning, has it changed? Everything's shifting, shifting, shifting. Changes, are they always for the better? Your eyes, his eyes, what about mine? Has this changed the way you see me? Have we come to a better understanding of the things that will pass us by? Oh, how strong must this attraction be? The poles are opposite, that's for sure. Pushing, pulling. Currents rearranging themselves for something better, we hope. When will you give me the sky? Safety, safety, you're just so comfortable. Can I make myself shed your warmth for what I know I want? Was it you I had this conversation with? I can never tell if I was imagining or not. You always act like nothing happened. Can you tell me why? Tell me why it has to be this way. Kissing in the dark and waking to find that they never wanted it. Overbearing, overbearing, the things that aren't myself at all are keeping you away. God, I see you through this fence, and it's killing me. Oh, my love, shine on. Hope lives on for you. My system is merely cleansing itself for something beautiful. Sacred. Will you be my religion? Stop. Step back. Away from me. Slowly now, for this is fragile. Ever so, fragile. Her lips. What do you crave? Indulge yourself, my dear, but if it's not me that you seek, please, do not parade your joy in front of me. You're ever so indifferent. But I can hear it in your voice. Where has your passion gone? Have you yet to discover it? Oh, how tragic, that you would've lived this long. Am I writing beyond my age again? Oh, sweetie, you terrify me. No more reflections, let's move on. I'm sick of always searching, let's just go for a walk. No intentions. What are your intentions? Please, baby, tell me you have a plan.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Awkward Headaches: Kissing Salamanders

Everyone tells me that this is wrong. Nothing I can do to stop it. To stop them. Nothing I will ever do will make you leave my head. My head. The pain. Your eyes. It all makes sense now. Almost. But it never quite will, now will it? Time. Oh, time. When will things change for us? Quilts are cozy. Feathers on wings. Roses, roses, roses. And raindrops. Frost. The winter kills us all. And darkness. Will the windows shine for yet another day? Will the stars revolve, elvolve, puzzles from the twlight sky? Oh, my dear, my love, you are so sweet to me. Rotting logs and leaves. Small children play in the creek in the ravine, and time slips away. The green, the green, the green. Oh how I miss those timeless days. Will you bring me back to that place, my love? Oh this waiting is intolerable. The music, no words, just the music. When will you comprehend my metaphors? When will you see they mean nothing to your eyes. Your eyes. Oh god, those eyes. Please, just kiss me one more time. The moonlight. Opposite of what you think it might means. I need you. Envelope me, as air. Vulnerability. Oh please, make me vulnerable. Stab me. Kill me. As long as you touch me. Oh god, please. Touch me once more. Your skin is my cocaine. And those eyes. Soothe me with your voice, my love. I just can't separate. everything is one. You and you and me. When will we break free? Please, promise you won't leave. I love you. but I see you smile to yourself. Please, don't laugh at me. Hold me. Know me. Holding on to your bedsheets at four o'clock a.m. is everything. Nothing in my mind straightens. Everything is swirling. I know you take this the wrong way. I'm so very wrong for you. Can we make it right?

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Worth a risk.

I do know.
Oh god, I know.
Do you know how long I've wanted this?
Has all this waiting -- I'm always waiting -- has it proved nothing?
How can you doubt?
If you do, then you must understand my insecurities.
I want to be safe.
With you.
I want to be close to you.
Will you try to comfort me?
Do you understand my definition?
Intricately planned thoughts -- written out over years --they are not easily translated to words.
But try, my dear, to at least listen to what I tell you.
Know that I live in a world where answers are not definite.
Everything is grey.
And I am a paradox.
But I'll try to keep it simple -- for your sake.
And, very simply, you make me very happy.
In a strange non-euphoric way, something I've never quite felt before.
I may be uncertain, but I know this is good.
Oh, time, when will you be right?

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Goddamn, not this again!

Here I go again, wasting another melody on you.
And there you go again, content inside your own point of view.
But where am I supposed to be?
Is it alright that I feel this way?
Where am I supposed to be?
If I tell you this, am I pushing you away?

Oh, here we go again, wasting another few days of our time.
And there I go again, crushed by feeling very out of line.
But where exactly is it that you are?
Do you feel alright wherever that place is?
And where the hell is it that you are?
Could you tell me that it's my eyes that you miss?