I couldn't say everything to you.
The words felt too heavy.
It feels like a piece of my soul has left me.
Apparently I threw it away.
You can't tell me I didn't fuck everything up.
Your eyes and your hands feel the same
as the night I left you—
empty.
I can feel that you're trying.
I can feel that you're staying.
But I don't know how to trust that this
isn't just how things are now.
It feels like all of the poems you've written about me aren't true anymore.
I want to tell you that I feel for you
what you feel for her.
But I'm afraid you'll find the inaccuracy insulting.
I want to tell you that I've found
a soulmate in you.
But the words are too heavy.
And I'm afraid they'll push me further down
away from you.
I've never in my life been so afraid to lose something.

Your voice hits me
like a warm summer breeze.
I feel your fingers
running through my hair.
And tiny spark fly
down my spine.

Your voice envelops me
like a hot bath.
My head is swimming
through the softness of your words.
Time will bend
and stand still
as I make your phrases last forever.

Your voice dances
in my ears like candlelight
in this dark room.
My thoughts are wax
against your flame.

The world spins
a little faster
as I try to reach
through the days until
your lips
are touching mine.

The shape of my life has changed
Since you entered
And I scrambled to make space

For something I knew I needed
For something that felt familiar
For something I'd known
Many lifetimes ago
For something I'd never felt before

I didn’t need to fit
Into you
Or I already did

We didn't have to make ourselves smaller
We expanded

We've barely even started this ride.
When you hold me you still feel far away.

I can't find that familiarity I'm grasping for.
I don't know where it went and I feel like I've imagined it.

I wish you understood what I was fighting through in order to stay.

I know I'm going to have to be able to survive without you, and if I lean on you too hard now I'll lose myself. Or you'll drop me.

I'll fall again and I can't go back there.
I won't survive down there again.

I want to scream for you to please grab me and not let me go.
I don't want someone else to be what's keeping me up here because I know there are so many ways for that to go wrong, and I just need to be stronger.

I can be stronger.
I've been more depressed and asked for more from shitty people and been dropped and broken and I came out the other side.

I'm still here.
You didn't sign up for this.
I'm not the person you met.
I wish you'd left.

I've forgotten what you feel like.
I've forgotten my entire life.
I'm a swarm of fear feeling her way around in the dark.
I wish I could stop breathing.

Not leaving you also involves staying alive.
I'm sorry I didn't see this coming.

I didn't think there would be panic. This isn't the bottom yet, and I want you to be gone before I get there.

I'm sorry I'm failing at holding it together.
Please don't give up on me.

You are not mine.
I borrow you.
And then I return you.
To where you belong.

My heart is falling from my throat
Through my body
Through the floor
And you're not catching it

I Could Write A Poem Where You Learn To Be Less Disappointed, But That Wouldn't Be Pessimistic Enough

Someday your disappointment will be greater than your love.
Someday my flaws won't be cute anymore,
And you'll wonder why you ever thought they were.

Someday could always be today.
Or tomorrow.

I saw how this would end,
And I decided to love you anyway.
Because even though I'll never be enough for you,
I'll still be better.
Even after you're gone.

Blind

Your pupils stretch back into black holes that trap your thoughts in crushing darkness.

When you apologize for parts of yourself
The right person will not tell you it is okay
The right person will take your sorrys from your mouth and feed them back to you
The right person will not understand why you are apologizing
The right person will shine a warm light into the corners where you hid all of your fears
And they will say "There you are. Get off the floor and come to bed, my love."

She's a saint, and we're all just swimming in her ocean.
Any way she carries me it's towards the sun.

Everything you say is at once a surprise and the obvious answer.
You are somehow the beginning and the end of my story.

This will be our first winter together.
Every day with you is the first day of spring.

It's back
You're here but it's back
It will chase you away
And I will hate you for it
And I will hate myself for hating you
And I will hate myself for losing you
And I will hate myself
And it will swallow me whole

I can feel the hot drool running down its teeth
Dripping onto the back of my neck
Holding me down
Hungering for what is left of me
Wanting to take everything that I have
And I know it's only a matter of time

Stranger

Somedays I wake up and it all feels like a dream
My memories fade fast while my eyes adjust to the light in this dark room
You're here next to me but I feel like a stranger
You touch me but I'm not the one you're reaching for
You've loved me, but I've changed
It was real, right?

I've woken up in unfamiliar skin
And you are just a dream I had two nights ago
I'm reaching frantically through my mind to find the place where my hand fits into yours just so
But nowhere I touch you feels right
Your name feels foreign to my tongue
My lips don't know yours anymore
It was real, right?

Held

I want to hold
All of your pain
Inside of me
And push it deep
Down where I hold everything

I want to hold
All of your pain
And keep it
From you

I can cry for both of us

My love for you is not unconditional
My love for you is my love for myself

'Cause you're so fucking good for me
You make my life happier

It's like getting lost somewhere
Deep underwater
And then coming up
And getting your first breath

At this point if you broke up with me, I would need to be able to print pictures, so I could tear them up.

I will never not be sorry that it had to go this way.
But I needed a slap in the face that no one else was going to give me.
Least of all you.

Someday

I know that someday—
One day—
A great sorrow will leave my heart cracked.
And I know that someday—
One day—
The shattering blow will be our last goodbye.

But I also know that it will never be
the same bitter emptiness
of knowing that everything
was a lie.

I know that you could never leave me feeling empty.
I know you would never ask so much of me that I had nothing left.
You would not accept everything even if I tried to give it to you.
You would feed it back to me— gently, my love—
Piece by piece.

I know that someday—
One day—
I will fall into that pit of despair.
And I know that someday—
One day—
The darkness will be the absence of your light.

But I also know that it will never be
your laughter that echoes
to the bottom of my core
to mock my fall.

I know that you could never ask me to fall.
I know you would never demand my trust and watch me fall
back first into the abyss.
You would hold me,
And guide me— gently, my love—
The whole way down.

Useless

My words cannot paint
The color of your eyes.
My words cannot knit
The touch of your lips.
My words cannot build
The city that lights up when we entangle —
Our fingers tied up like magnets.

My words are fucking useless.
But I'll keep writing them down,
And I'll keep reading them aloud to you.

The First Time

I read you every single poem I've written about you.
My worst nightmare —
Playing out like a dream.

I told you I could tell how people felt.
That I didn't need to see the mediocrity
Written on their faces.

But what I saw in you instead —
Was the light.
I can see it in your eyes
When I touch you through
The space between us.

You light up my words —
Give them meaning.
You make me understand the language I am speaking.

Favorite

It took my breath away,
How quickly you became my favorite person.
All in one instant you were here beside me.
And you had always been here,
Always been inside me,
But now I'm looking at you.

You are outside of me,
And seeing you is like seeing the parts of myself I have missed.
They have been in the back of my throat,
Waiting for you to speak them.

You give my breath back to me.

How to never forget a single moment of this day.
How to never forget the first time
I heard you say the phrase.

How to write down every word you spoke —
So softly.
How to write down every kiss you gave to me —
A thousand.

How to draw a picture of the way we held each other as we slept.
How to draw a picture of the feeling of the light
Emanating from you
And permeating me.

Reborn

Your scent has been with me all day
I don't want to eat
I don't want to chase the taste of you off my tongue

Before I washed our sweat off my body
I stood in the mirror
I ran my hands across all the places you touched me
I ran my hands across my heart

I carved a place for our moment in my mind
I cut deep so I can never forget
Who I was before this night
I will never be her again

Discovery

There is an ocean in me.
I never let anyone see it.
You have walked along the shore,
And waited patiently,
For my invitation.
Until you walked inside of me,
And I let my waves crash against you.

How surprised was I to find
An ocean in you as well.
How surprised I was to find
New depths inside myself.

Whole

It's different than what you think.
Falling in love with a human being.
Falling in love with someone who is whole.
Someone who doesn't need you.
Someone who chooses you.
Wakes up every morning and chooses you.
You can love a whole person,
With a whole love.
A full love.
A deep, warm love.
A hot love.

You sparked my desire.
Now you bask in my flame.

Don't

I didn't need to be told.
I needed to be shown.

I didn't know
That when the trust between us
Cracked
That it would spread
Across my whole heart

I didn't know
That I was losing so much more
Than you
I didn't know
That I would lose everyone

Doubts like mold
Growing in damp darkness
In the sweat of holding myself together
Spreading across my tender sanity into dark forgotten corners

I didn't know
That I could lose her, too

Vs

"Good girl."
He snickers
As I take him into
My mouth

"Good girl."
You whisper
As you make me love
Myself

237 Years

Every passing day

You linger in my mind

One second longer

Luckily, there are many seconds in a day

Flood

I used to follow clouds through the desert
Mouth gaping
Begging for rain
Catching drops on my tongue thinking my thirst was satisfied
For a moment
And never considering
I didn't have to be thirsty
I didn't have to be dry, shriveled, empty
Running with mouth open and head towards the sky

Then the river came
Gently caressing the cracked earth surrounding me

At first I lap at your edges
I think I will be swallowed by a flood
At first, I dip my hands in little pools
And then I turn and run — afraid

The river flows — away

I used to follow clouds through the desert
I could find solace in a single drop
Mouth open, head towards the sky, I forgot
About the ground beneath me

I bring my feet to your edge
I take a deep breath
I step in
I am brought to my knees

Touching you is like praying

I used to beg for rain
The river carries me away

"I could love you."

I'll be shaking until I touch you
I don't need you
But you're good for me

I'll be a coward until I speak
I don't need to
But you're good for me

Come here
I could love you
If I could tell you
Stay near
Could you tell that
Without words

The Fruit

I've had the idea of love.
Dripping behind my eyes,
Ever since.
You placed that fruit between my lips,
And it was all I'd ever wanted.

I've swirled the idea,
Around my tongue.
Tried to fit it inside my mouth.
Until it was dripping off my chin,
Like laughter.

From then on,
You were on the tip of my tongue.

god

I met god
I met god in my lover inside me
I met god in the fullness of his love
I met god in the fullness of your cock
I met god
I met god when I came
I met god in the look on your face
I met god in your body merging with mine
I met god staring into your eyes
I met god

Safe and Joyous

It feels like I just learned what love is.
It revealed itself in your eyes in the rain.
It revealed itself in your smile at her face.
It revealed itself in your hands on my back.
Love is saccharine, sickly sweet.
Love is sweet and safe and joyous.

I wish I could live inside staring in your eyes.
Love is being able to see the look in your eyes when you fuck me.
Love is being able to see the look in your eyes when you look at me.

His body pressed against me all night.
We move together, fit together like a dream.
It feels like a dream when it's over.
Every time I'm freshly delighted.
Ever morning, I swear, your skin is even softer.

Soft — like flame

How do I describe your eyes?
Golden and warm
Like honey in amber
A favorite sweater
Hot
Like an oven
Light
Like fire
Soft
Like flame

I'm imagining the first time
Those words
Float from your lips
Kiss my ears
The rush
Like a wind
Lift
Like waves
Soft
Like flame

The whole time I'm in your presence,
We are making love.
Every smile — a kiss.
Every laugh is like you're kissing my neck.

Every day you love someone,
You find out what it's like,
To love someone for so long.

I must be in love because I'm writing,
I'm playing, I'm painting,
I'm doing everything I can to expel these feelings.
It feels too good.

I want your hands on me at all times.
I know it's better in moderation, but I swear to god, I ache without you inside me.

Everything I learn about you cracks me deeper.
I am overwhelmed by what that could mean.
I'm picturing how hard this wave could crash.
I can't even comprehend it.

Power

When he touches me, it's an instant high.
Everything goes blurry.
It's just him.
The whole world is just him,
And his whole world is me,
And his dick is so hard — heavy and full, like my head.

We're getting better at touching each other — less inhibition.
He fucks me harder, hits me harder, chokes me harder,
And I can tell he wonders if it's too much.
I like his not knowing — it makes him hesitate.
With his strength suspended,
The power is mine.

The power of the galaxies is in my hips.
The stars are his lips.
I am the darkness,
I am a black hole,
His cock is a sun.
I can take him in and crush him into nothing.
I can swallow his warmth.
I can feel him inside me.

There's something there.
Not a spark... a slow, low thunderstorm.

Last night he whispered my name in my ear.
I know I'm not well because I keep thinking about it.
I feel like I'm losing my mind.
And yet I feel the most like myself.